Burt

There once was a man,

His name was Burt,

And Burt was a player - 

He liked to flirt. 

He'd garner some pity

By looking hurt,

Then eat all the buttons

Off of his shirt. 

The girls would all laugh

And watch him dance,

They thought he was cute

Upon second glance.

They'd fly off and book

A room in France,

And that'd be when Burt

Would lose the pants. 

**note: The part about Burt eating the buttons off his shirt is from a poem called 'Dilly Dilly Picalilli' - and served as the inspiration for the rest. 

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**Another old one, this time from senior year of high school:

I saw you walking down the street,

Your dress pressed nicely, hair so neat,

The air around you ever sweet,

And I knew then that you'd be mine.

I couldn't help but stare in awe - 

I dropped my briefcase, dropped my jaw.

You seemed to not have any flaw - 

No other woman was as fine.

I hesitated, didn't talk,

Instead I hid and tried to stalk

Until I saw you calmly walk

Into Chez Elle - 'twas time to dine.

Now as the clock hit ten to eight,

I couldn't hold it, couldn't wait.

I walked to your half-empty plate

And your near-empty glass of wine. 

And there I was, for you to see - 

Our meeting there was destiny.

And though you stood reluctantly, 

I begged to talk before I'd resign.

So with a slight nod you approved,

And I, ecstatic, then removed

A Scrub-Blast™ cleaner (much improved)

For only nineteen ninety-nine!

Then suddenly you shouted, "No!"

But I just couldn't let you go.

I grabbed your hand, I had to show

This new invention, so divine. 

But you stormed out, I guess you hated

Salesmen, though we're underrated.

My anguish still has not abated!

Am I perceived as just a swine?

My cleaner to you I'd impart,

But, alas, right from the start

You led me on, then broke my heart

Through your rejection and decline.

Which client were you? I can't tell,

Although one-eighty rings a bell.

It sure is awful hard to sell

These worthless products made of pine.

And what's my wish, just once a year?

A client saying, without fear,

Those seven words I'd love to hear:

"I'd like that item to be mine." 

A Little Fortune

Today I set out from my house,

A dollar in my hand.

I thought I'd go and treat myself 

To something very grand.

I thought of all the treasures I 

Could buy throughout the day - 

I'd spend the money on myself

For fun and toys and play!

I first went to the carnival 

And found, to my surprise,

It cost two dollars for the girls

And just as much for guys. 

I slogged my way along the road

'Til what should catch my eye?

A shiny little robot, which

Was seven bucks too high.

I browsed around a shopping mall

And saw a plastic gun.

But then I realized it'd cost

'Bout twenty times my one.

And then a man wheeled from his store

A sparkling ten-gear bike,

Although a hundred dollars is

Too costly for a tyke. 

So grudingly I headed home

'Til I saw to my right

Some candy for a dollar, and 

I neared it with delight.

But as I went up to the shop

And stopped outside the door,

I turned around and headed home - 

I liked my dollar more. 

Sick Day

The cold strikes quickly

Deep in the night,

Making your head feel

Heavy and light.

It clogs up your sinuses

Makes your nose run,

Sucking away any

Possible fun.

You'll take a long rest

And things will be fine,

But the cold lies in wait,

Biding its time. 

November

November, November,
It's early November!
These are the times
That we will remember.

As memories come,
And memories go:
The times that are fast,
The times that are slow.

But winter's soon here,
And it'll be December.
Its fingers are icy,
Chilly, and slender.

Its fingers will grasp
And strip any bough,
But winter is later,
And autumn is now.

Tricky Treats

Happy Halloween, my dears,
Run out to the streets!
Open up your bags in joy
And gather up some treats!

Look at all the little ghouls,
The kids in masks and sheets.
Look at all the scary creatures
Walking on two feet!

So have some fun, my children, go,
And dance and sing and eat
Until you get that sugar high
And promptly rot your teeth!

Pata-Pata-Pata-Pon

Inspired by this. For those who don't know what Patapon is, here you go. And for anyone who doesn't know Dr. Seuss, shame on you.


I like to Patapon all day,
I like to Patapon, I say!
I do not think I'll go to school,
I won't go swimming in the pool.
I'd rather stay at home, you see,
And Pata on my PSP.
I will not share it with a fox,
I will not share it on a box,
I will not share it with a mouse,
I will not share it in the house,
My Patapon's for me to play
So let me Patapon, ok?
I Patapon when in my room,
I'd Patapon when in a tomb!
I'd Patapon while on the lam,
Running from damn Sam-I-Am.

A conversation between a lady socialite and a man on the street

"A penny with your thoughts, my dear,
A nickel with your prayers."

"I haven't got a cent, I fear,
And your soul I can't repair-"

"But ma'am, if you will kindly please
Just hear what I've to say.
I beg, upon my splintered knees,
Forgoing any pay,
I beg for your forgiveness, ma'am,
And for some peace of mind.
You wouldn't, surely, dare to damn
The sorry for their crimes?"

"Now see here, sir, perhaps you need-"

"I never needed pity."

"I meant to say respite from greed
Within a dying city."

"You state a point that's valid, sure,
But that's not what I seek.
Just mercy from one so demure
For the wretched and the weak."

"So if, with words, I cleanse your soul-"

"Then I'll be on my way."

"Well...with grace then do I make you whole
And for your heart I pray."

"I thank you truly, and I wish-"

"Excuse me, sir, I leave."

"But please just one more second, Miss,
Upon this dreary eve.
You see, you've given me new life,
Absolved me of my crime-"

"Somebody help! He has a knife-"

"Your life, sweet dear, is mine.
You struggle, but you fail to see
That all that's wrong is right.
I thank you, ma'am, for freeing me
Until another night."

Busy Jared Flea

A slight tweaking of an older poem:


Busy, busy Jared Flea,
Busy, busy as a bee
Buzzing 'round the meadow's fare
Of reddened brick and smoggy air,
Working till he needs some sleep
Within his hive, his hold, his keep,
Upon a bed of emptied honey
Lined with sheets of absent money.

Jared, Jared, sleeps away,
Prepping for another day.

Tea Time

I like to drink my tea
For everyone to see,
So when I turn and walk away
No words will people have to say -
They'll know I went to pee.

"I" Banking

I went to the banker,
Demanded a ten.
He gave me a twenty,
A spoon, and a hen.

I asked him, quite quizzically,
"What's this all for?"
He said, with a smile,
And a nod at the door,

"The twenty's to hasten
Your exit from here.
The spoon, so you'll eat up
Your rudeness in fear

Because of the torment
You'll face from this hen,
Who'll trail you to Hell
Till you pay back my tens."

Tied Up

"Hey, Guy,
Nice tie.
Red eyes!
You cry...
But why?
Cream pie?
Oh my.
Don't try -
Won't dry.
Just buy
New tie."

Gesundheit

The light autumn breeze
Runs through the trees,
Tickling their noses
Until they all sneeze.

They fall to their knees
And jitter their leaves -
Would somebody come by
And bless them all, please?

A chicken from Pickens says, 'What?' 'Your butt!'

There once was a man from Prague,
Who thought that he might start a blog
To post up his rhymes
(From time to time)
So that your good sense he might flog.

**And just so you know, I'm from California;
Though my rhymes are still cheesy (just thought that I'd warn ya).